What to Publish

While driving to Walmart earlier today, I listened to the latest episode of Caleb Porzio's Notes on Work podcast. During this, he talks about the Laravel community and how we are all leveling up, which I agree with. While listening to this episode, I heard a familiar narrative from the community playing through my head. All this, "Oh, put yourself out there," "Oh, just publish your stuff." My main hang-up is that I do not believe I have anything interesting to say. I don't have a cool project I'm working on. I don't have a thing that I'm building for other people.

Unfortunately, I can't share most of what I do at Tighten because I spend 32 hours on client projects. So my struggle has been, and continues to be, what do I share? I want to share knowledge and educate. But what do I even educate on? What am I a subject matter expert on? I feel like I am a jack-of-all-trades type of person and don't have a strong niche. Since I don't have a niche, it's tough to be, oh, this is what I'm passionate about.

Okay, if I wanted to speak at Laracon, Laravel Live, or a local meetup, what would I fill 30-60 minutes with? Then again, another part of my brain says, "Well, Andy, you're AuDHD. You can fill 30 minutes without a problem just by saying the random thoughts from your brain." But is it interesting? Is it engaging? Is it going to be helpful for folks? Are they going to take something away from it?

Not knowing if I can do "it" reminds me of Cars 3. One of the primary characters, Cruz Ramirez, has a monologue about whether Lightning McQueen thought all she wanted to do was be a trainer instead of a racer; she talks about her doubt and the doubt instilled in her by others, and finally, how he knows that he could do it? Lightning McQueen responds that it never crossed his mind that he couldn't.

This scene comes to mind because I wanted to work at Tighten to feel that I had "made it." However, I'm realizing that working at a fantastic place with brilliant and thoughtful coworkers and alums does not immediately resolve my insecurities. I think because I was raised female (though I identify as non-binary), I have all of these self-doubts of "Can I do this? Is this even worth it? Is this interesting?"

This is something I want to work through; I want to share more of the random side projects I have going and someday speak at a conference. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to accomplish this are welcome and appreciated.